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Playing with Fire

 

I started playing with fire when I was born.
Basically, my, father, a fireman, Norm
would listen to his work radio at home
and when there was a fire he would go,
sometime with me in tow, we would rush
to catch the action, though I don’t even really remember seeing any flame …
To him it was a game.

And of course, on Shabbas, the Jewish day of rest,
we always lit candles, two or more… to bless us.
Bringing warmth, and familiarity.
I could touch the flame with my finger, with hilartiiy I knew,
but not for long,  my mother would sing the
“stop setting such a bad example” song…
little did she know, I was too far gone

In Girl scouts, I learned how to build a fire, all by myself.
A frame or teepee style.  And I remember feeling proud.
Like I knew, that if it came to man versus now, I could make warmth and light.
Somehow I could feed myself off this earth,
for what it’s worth to a third grader at camp that felt like church,
I was certain, I could conquer it with the power of the earth.

So I started smoking cigarettes, rapidly.
Thinking if fire was so great, clearly I should inhale.
I thought vapidly “it’s not that big of a deal, playing with fire is fun”
but little did i know what a hold on my life it would have, stunned.
10 years later.  An aspiring non smoker.   All in fun. Still lit.  Take a hit.
Self-shunned.

I remember in high school having a conversation with a fire,
one night, I was lit. After eating some fungus, all by myself for a bit,
I bonded with this outdoor ceramic chimneia so deeply, so openly.
We laughed and wept and I learned so much about the universe
from those dying embers.  I tell you, it changed me.

Like college. I got burned a few times, but it was always worth it in the end,
the lessons learned and scars earned.
And the shocked look on someones face lit up,
when they see a fire dancer light up for the first time,
that is something I truly cherish and embrace.

Feel the warmth. Come closer it won’t burn you. It’s sacred.

I remember explaining to my family one Friday evening
that I was learning how to hula hoop with fire.
8 years later, they are finally clear, it’s not a passing desire.
I use all kinds of props and fire toys now as play,
I don’t even know how it happened, but I could spin for days.

Forget the boys…. I did catch my hair on fire once or twice,

but mostly I’ve come out unscathed.

I can hold fire in my hand with certainty, and make it pretty.
It is a gift. I never feel more powerful than that moment of awe.
Spinning fire is ancient. Our ancestors used fire to survive and to entertain.
To cook. To sleep on cold nights. Fire has kept us all alive.
And yet also stolen many lives

And yes I’ve been known to leave the stove on a time or two on accident, a bit too long.  I’ll admit, sometimes i’m just careless…. See

I’ve lately been playing with fire with my health clearly not valuing my own wealth.  i know, I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.  It’s just, well there was a lot of fun to be had, and then some, it’s just hard to keep up with the flame.   And I’m only almost thirty.  Is it time to wake uP?  Maybe spinning fire isn’t really what’s up.  I’ve been real up on luck, why push it right? i mean I played with fire with an ass-fuck and that too sucked, I’ve been thinking about letting up…

How long have I been setting fire to this microphone until I blow up?
As nice as it would be to make it in the business of show, I’m about ready to give it up.  Maybe a sign would be nice, that fire is safe.  I do have performance insurance…

2 million dollar policy. It all comes down to trust.  Letting the flame bless us

in the nature of comfort.  Be that it may stay contained and perhaps only then
should I play, just a bit more, in the interest of lust. One more time.
The flame sparks.  My life ignites. I am whole.
One with the flame and one with my chi. One with sky. One with me.

So now, every full moon or solstice…

I light a candle and pray that I don’t get burned again.
-MissConception

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www.themissconception.com

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Man-infestation

 

If you know me, you know, like most women, that I am boy crazy.  Hungry for a man.  THE man.  I’ve had my fair share of ups and downs on the relationship roller coaster.  I’ve had my heart broken, and I have shamelessly broken my fair share of hearts.

More so lately than not, I have been incredibly selfish when it comes to relationships.  Jumping at anything that bites and then walking away coldly when it’s not right.  Take the guy from Austin who drove 7 hours to New Orleans to see me, only to find “sorry bud, it’s just not happening…”.  And then there’s the many-a-dudes who turn into snapping turtles when I really don’t want to be romantic.  They do not like being called out on that.  Bye-bye friendship.  Back to the drawing board…

While I’m not always proud of breaking hearts, I find an unfair pressure often assumed when it comes to dating.  What is the harm in trying someone on, deciding it isn’t working, and parting ways? I find myself in more and more guilt trips from angry, jealous men, who turn spiteful once the realization sets in that it isn’t working. I’d like to think one would be grateful to share such an experience, but again maybe that’s just my cold-hearted bitch-side rearing her head again.

I truly am sorry for all the karmic actions on my behalf that did not turn out smelling like a rose.  It’s never fun to fall in love back-handedly.  I am also eternally grateful for all of the many wonderful lovers I’ve experienced over the years.  Most of them, I treasure.  And of course, you have to know what you don’t want to know what you do want.  So I’ve developed a plan, a man-infestation plan, to manifest the man of my dreams.  Really the plan is well underway, but now I’m defining it!  And you should, too.

When manifesting, it’s important to get real clear with what you want.  So here’s my list, my perfect man.  All I want for Christmas is this guy/MAN to show up.  Thanks in advance… I know you’re out there:

A man. A real man.  No bullshitting.
Hopeless romantic.
4.5 inches taller than me.
Brown, thick hair, kind almond eyes, olive skin.
Jew-ish.
Creative.
Intelligent.
Passion out the ass.
Soft lips for kissing.
Strong arms for holding.
Worldly.  A traveler
Mischievous. A prankster. A joker. A clown.
Musical. A producer. A business man at heart.
Masculine in nature but okay with the feminine.
SPIRITUAL.  Looking to explore the mystical side of life. Akashic records in tact. Ok with exploring astral projection and kundalini rising momentum.  On a quantum wavelength.
Tattoos are okay.  Piercings not so much.
Sharp dresser.  Thrifty spender.  Smart saver.
Health is a top priority, but not over bearing.
No children, but wants them (with me).
Not a cheater. Not a lier.
Never locks doors (unless I’m locked in with him).
Ok with living and growing outside of the ordinary.
Loves to DANCE!  Loves to dance with me.
Gardener.  Environmentalist.  Conservationist.
Makes time for his family.
Owns a house and a car.  Has a job that he loves.
A big heart and small ego.

Oh and ring.  Please let there be a ring.

Worth mentioning: one might not necessarily have even one, let alone all of these qualifications, but MUST posses a desire to pursue.  (And furthermore, these qualifications may lie in more than one person, in the end. Hence, the man-infestation)

Here is to the future… to knowing what you want, not settling for less, and to prayers answered during this holy season,

MissConviction
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Sabbatical

Friends-

Upon returning to Kansas City after my three-month “sabbatical” across the East coast, I took my homecoming as an opportunity to reinvent myself, naturally.  Really the whole traveling experience has been the typical self discovery journey (which I doubted along the way) that I was looking for.  But answers I was looking for didn’t really present themselves until I hit New York City, and then it was like an explosion of creativity and courage, both within and outside of me.

I learned so much from various characters, some younger than me, some much older.  There was the 24-year old Italian hip hop artist, Luciouz, from London who blew my mind with her courage and wit, her voice, and her determination.  She taught me to freestyle, and how to roll a joint.  Now I can be a proper rockstar ;)  Then there was the 70-year old black man taking the LSAT, because he says “the good Lord ain’t done with me yet… and it’s better than sitting in front of the TV”.  #mindblown.  I could go on and on with stories and epiphanies, but I’m sure you’ve had your own evolutions over the past few months, and really it’s all happening for everybody, just on their own time.

Coming home I decided to take this chance to do things differently; to clean out my self, my life, my world.  I really want to grab life by the balls and make the most of it while I still can, but to think globally you have to act locally.  IE: If I want to pursue big dreams and goals, then I have to be sure I am the best version of myself that I can be.

My grandfather always says: Health, love and money in that order, make those your priorities.

So I’m beginning my time back here in KC with the most daunting thing I can think of… a fast. I NEVER fast. Not on Yom Kipper, not for lent, nothing… I LOVE FOOD.  But I also know that after being on the road for three months, halfway taking care of myself, sleeping on uncomfortable couches and eating plenty of non-kosher foods, it was time to take this seriously.

 Of course, when you start to clean out your system, you stop putting bad things in, and the Master Cleanse is always something I have wanted to try.  So far, I’m on day three, and I’m feeling pretty good about it.  The main goal is self control.  It’s definitely working in expunging toxins.  You can read all about the Master Cleanse online, and you best believe I have done my research for years on all sorts of cleanses and detoxifying systems… I’ve just never loved myself enough to try one.

Now I know all you health nuts are going “but WAIT, what about your nutrients, you’re deficient, detoxing is unnecessary, etc etc…” And to you all I have to say is that I know my body, I know what it needs, and I know that what I am doing is right for me.  I am hoping to go three-five days on the Master Cleanse and then switch to juicing for however long I feel inclined.  I am incorporating supplements, tinctures, apple cider vinegar and vegetable broth when I hear my body ask for it.   I’m not being hard on myself about if and when I quit. Not judging if I decide to eat a latke (which I didn’t, and let me tell you, Hanukkah was ROUGH).  This is for me and an attempt to get my health back on tract.

Really this process is about getting clear with my intentions.  What do I want for my life?  What do I want to see in this world while I am here?  What do I want to be putting into my body to fuel these desires?

Starting small also comes with the emphasis on thinking big.  As we head into the New Year, it is common to develop goals and begin thinking towards the future.  We are living in an absolute chain reaction society, and every move we make directly affects our momentum towards our future selves.

I have decided for myself to make a few initiative moves towards bettering my soul as we move into the new year.

My first, biggest goal is to do something artistic every day of 2016.  Whether that be a spoken word poem, an emcee or DJ set, a fire performance, a busking street performance, hosting or supporting an event, or putting out some form of artistic creativity digitally (video, song release, etc).  As I transition into the type of lifestyle I desire, doing my art every day should only further my dreams.  This amazing rapper I met recently, LA, says to visualize your dream every morning for 40 days and see what happens.  Even if it’s just for a few minutes.  So why not?  It can’t hurt.

My other initiative of 2016 will be to everyday let somebody different know that they inspired me in some form along the way.  Paying it forward with random acts of kindness, generosity, truth and sincerity are certainly the way of raising our vibration even higher, collectively.  Remember, we can only go so far alone before you must wait for the community to proceed.   Feel free to do the same if you’re inclined.  Let people know how we are all in this together, and what YOU do, matters.

Every year for the New Year’s shenanigans I write up a top ten list of goals I want to accomplish.  The trick (I have been told repeatedly) is to get very clear with what you want and visualize it in your head consistently.  Here are my goals for 2016, bold as they may be:

  1. Tour consistently with a big name act (Usher, P!nk, Atmosphere)
  2. Move to NYC and live comfortably
  3. Own and operate a caterpillar bus/trailor that unfolds into a buffer-fly stage (yup…)
  4. Find a reliable man on my level whose immune system is higher than mine (blog post to come on man-infestations soon)
  5. Be healthy and strong!  Stretch daily and maintain a good clean diet
  6. Be grounded and humble, always
  7. Continue to nurture old meaningful relationships while fostering new mutually beneficial ones.
  8. Develop nicer handwriting (not kidding either)
  9. Travel and perform!  Make it to Europe
  10. Freestyle like a mad woman

Perhaps my goals will in some way shape or form will help you develop your own missions and carry them out with determination, grace and gratitude.  Make sure to get really clear on what you want your future to look like.  Look at your list daily.  Remind yourself of what you’re working towards.

I do have many more stories about my travels, none of which may be that relevant to anyone but myself.  I do know that I found what I was looking for, quintessentially in myself, but not until I got to New York.  There, I was surrounded by so many like-minded, artistic, creative, hard-working, interesting, persistent, healthy people, and it was only then was I able to look at my reflection and remind myself that what I was looking is within me, naturally.

The lessons: surround yourself with what you want to be, and you can move there easier.

Powers of manifestation, if you believe in that sort of thing, are only possible when your vessel and vision is clear.  The obvious, is that you have to know what you want in able to pursue it.

So I propose a toast, to a new year, a new evolution around the sun, and following your dreams until it kills you.  At this point, my dreams are keeping me alive and I’ve never been more excited to see what the future holds.  Every day is a gift.  Everything you put into your mouth, is a sacrament, and every human being an opportunity to reflect and learn from.  Take advantage of the situation, while we can <3

In good time,

MissConcept

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Photo Credit: Hampton Stevens
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TAPESTRY – Pop Poetry Sneak Peak

A sneak peak at a poem from my book, Class Action, coming January 23rd.  Enjoy…

TAPESTRY

What happens when the walls all fall down?

Everyone knows the tapestry is woven.

We’re all here all aware we’ve been chosen.

Everyone catches the strings attached as we

crash into each other’s axis all irrational.

But what happens, when the strings unravel?

When all the roads have been traveled, and

the culture shock shatters, where will you be?

Home sitting along on your throne of victory?

Hoarding batteries and harvesting preservatives

or sleeping comfortably with your superlatives?

Patiently, praying for manifestations,

co-creating revelations— level UP playstation.

See, at some point pi has to repeat itself!

And any way you cut it

nets are bad for your health.

We’ve got to turn this tapestry upside down,

shake it from the ground up.

Hold up our fists and rock it,

building futures not for profit.

A force so great no stopping it.

Changing vibes on a dime lifelong cause

one day we’ll all be singing the same song,

dinging the same dong.

Things won’t seem so wrong …

Get a nice whiff of

the whole world turning on a paradigm shift,

violence begone.

See our rebirth of mankind unfold all along.

One thought held on the tongue of everyone all at once,

that’s my want, so come on. #ulit

So, let me take you away to a far away place

where face and race don’t decide who prays.

Where you and I equal unity,

the sooner we learn how to believe in community.

Where what we wear matters less than how we wear it,

and what we trade fair matters less than how we share it.

Cause what happens when this tapestry unravels?

Somebody’s gotta put it back together, I’d imagine,

in a different fashion. Let’s make it happen

in a rebirth of magic.

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www.themissconception.com

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Following your dreams

There are no words to describe the past few weeks …  To call it an adventure falls short.  A distraction, doesn’t do it any justice.   A journey, maybe, but I’m trying not to have an end destination in mind at any given time.  I am not running away, nor am I running to.  Though I may be looking for something, I will allow it to find me.  I now know that I am strong, capable and worthy, just as much as the next human.  No less, no more.  I am home within myself.

Traveling across the my country, I am proud to be an artist in the middle of such a corporate hustle.  Logistics and problem solving have always been an asset of mine, thankfully.  Living life day-to-day and not constantly a slave to a scheduled calendar is the greatest blessing of all.  Though it is lonely from time to time, I find those moments come with the most self-reflective clarity  I’ve always been one to travel with a tribe, and what a different experience to rediscover your tribe in other people and places without hesitation.  I have been so blessed to be surrounded by such like-minded and open souls.   So grateful to be performing with some of the most creative artists I’ve ever met.   Humbled in making pizza with some of the most incredible folks I’ve ever met at a festival of mind-blowing (and yes, mind-numbing) proportions.  I have never been more confused, yet more clear on which direction to step forward in.  One day at a time.  I am rediscovering my worth.  Owning my power.  And not afraid to live it.

Learning to sustain one’s self on the road is a constant, somewhat selfish flux.  What do I need?  Where do I want to go?  How should I approach this situation next?  And while it feels terribly tragic to be so selfish (yes, I feel selfish), it also is so liberating, that it’s worth the stereotypical struggle.

Life on the road is everything I wanted it to be.  Sure, I wish I had a bigger car, with a trailer and maybe a surf board strapped to the top, but I am content in my Corolla (that now has four new tires).  Currently I’m in Orlando, headed for Miami to participate in Mama Gena’s Women’s Retreat and then back to Orlando for the Zen Awakening Festival.  November 22nd I am teaching a hoop workshop at Breathe Yoga in Atlanta.  Then to Asheville for Thanksgiving with my best friend, and on up to NYC for a few weeks, until I being my journey home.  People have been SO kind, I am constantly over-joyed with the generosity and team-spirit that have filled up my experiences.

I love discovering new places, new faces, but most of all I love discovering new parts of myself I didn’t know existed. Where my art fits in and how I contribute to society is a constant learning curve, and as I get older and grow in my art, the more vulnerable I feel, but in the best of ways.

I honestly can’t shake the notion that a part of me has died.  My attachment to a certain place or people has vanished, and I am left with nothing.  I can now live in the wind.  A gentle tickle on the back of your neck.  Or in a song you used to know the words to.   Reminding you we are all one, at one point or another.  We are all in this together.  And nothing should stop you from going after what you deserve.

You know when you can’t tell your dreams from your reality, that you are in the right place.  Blazing trails and riding rails, for now.

Here is to letting go,
MissConception

http://www.themissconception.com

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Free Falling

As I get ready to embark on this huge, mind-altering trip (wander-lust, not psychedelic) in the next week, I stand at the edge of 30-years old, looking back at what I’ve accomplished, and then forward at what I’ve yet to do.  I can’t help but wonder… what is ENOUGH?

Four albums.  A feature-length film.  A documentary.  Countless performances.  Music videos.  3 Fringe Festival shows.  A book (almost- #poppoetry12poetsin12months – January 2rd).  Road trips.  Festivals.  Events.  Rehearsals.  Collaborations.  People.  Places.  Forgetting names, but remember energies.  I have and continue to do SO much, yet I still grapple with doing more.

In looking at this next big “mid-life crisis” around the corner, I admit to being pulled in multiple directions (as we all are).  Literally, on the road, but also physically and emotionally, let alone mentally/rationaly/psychologically.

Do I go to law school, like my family would love?  Or Rabbinical school, as my Jewish community would appreciate?  Yoga teacher training?   Naropa institute to study some sort of metaphysical psychology as my good friend has inspired.  Or maybe to Hawaii, to work on a pineapple farm?  And then there is Europe, calling my name…

Honestly I couldn’t be more lost, and I thought by now I would have more mindful ‘direction’.  There is one thing that is obvious, and that is trust; trust in letting go of making the “right” decision and letting the right path unfold in front of me.  Some might call my so-called-faith naive, but I find it endearing, and exciting.  It quenches my thirst and alleviates anxiety.  There are no WRONG answers.  Just trial and error, and failure is a sure way to know it’s time to change paths.  (Still an optimist at heart, guilty).

While I know I have not failed as an artist (there’s no such thing really…) I am looking at a glaring reality where sustainability is becoming increasingly more important.

So I’m turning left.  First, as an artist, and then maybe even further.  I am leaving Kansas City for a few months, to accomplish various tasks and jobs and performances.   I will be back in December to help my grandfather write his memoir, amongst other projects lined up.  Applying to law school is in there somewhere, assuming I do well enough on the LSAT.  I am really not sold on ANYTHING at this point; anything other than love of course.  Most of us would do just about anything for love.

So until love stops me in my tracks, I will keep moving forward, with ultimate perseverance, knowing that within every step I take lies a lesson.  A missed conception, found.  Every breath I take brings fresh air.  And every chance I get, I’m going to jump as high and hard as I can into a free fall, only to be caught by my own wind.  I am not scared.  I am not committed.  I am FREE.  Maybe for the first time in my life, and that should not be taken for granted. Freedom is a precious gift, and I will cherish it, while I can.

<3,
MissConception

(Photo Credit: Hampton Stevens)
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Dirty Laundry

I picked up a new washing machine last week…
     well, really, it was used free,
but i had to go pick it up, so I asked my roommates to accompany me,
As so, we loaded it up, dragged it home,
hooking it in, to find,
that it really doesn’t work.  Perfect!
And that’s really just the beginning of my dirty laundry phase
at least the awareness of its stench so
back to the laundromat I went… to hang out my shit
all out in the open like nobody’s bitchin’ business,
but hey, it’s only 2 dollar and fifty cents a load now, witness
       (inflation’s a bitch)
and when I look at all the shit I could should just lay out no the table all available
it becomes, unforable for one reason or another to speak of such wonders and secrets locked inside a basket case that only wishes to be set free I shudder, readily,
you all know it how good it feels to be honest, and honestly, tragically…
 ….lately, I’ve forgotten who i am,
so I dig through my laundry, to remind me, of where I’ve been….
Hiding behind silent disgust,
trust used to be enough, but once disrupt, I find sometimes
it’s  easier not to bring it up,
I know that
we’re all stuck,
wading around in our own bullshit muck
wondering, are any of us really telling the truth
Is the truth even good enough, can you tell, that I’m so fucked-
Uphill, the walk, always good intentions paved,
but downhill the upswing often sways with salty wounds and white sails waved.
As we continue to run our dirty underwear up the flag pole, call it liberty, act like, we’re not scared, unscathed.  pretend it’s no big deal, I got this, Im brave
 Really
I am also just as afraid
as you on your worst day,
yet still as confident as MLK on parade
so take all your opinions and just put ‘em away
because, only for today, I’m gonna let it all hang out on display
comments need not be made
 Call it art and let
 NOTHING take that freedom away.
I am blessed.  I am privileged.  yes,
I do know my place.
What a funny time and space
 to feel like you have no voice …
as a white woman in this day and age,
I say, what use are my words if they carry  no weigh?
What If everything I have to say is just dirty laundry I can’t help but put on display?
And hey,
my washer may be broken
but at least I’ve got a clean slate :).