I’m turning into a real cold hearted bitch these days…. (It’s becoming on me!) Deciding to be more and more selfish, putting myself first and taking MY needs more seriously. Sue me now, or forever hold your peace, eh?
Reasoning? For starters, it’s dark and cold outside. Most strikingly, I’ve lost more friends this last month to drama and nonsense than I care to admit. So many people more recently-than-not have disappeared from my life, for the better or worse. I’m becoming increasingly more afraid to get close to people any longer… The closer you are, the more others can hurt you. People who I’ve trusted with my whole heart have turned around and stabbed me in the back (it happens to everyone, I know)… It feels like everybody I know is either getting engaged or wants to die….no joke. No wonder people hate the holidays so much. But the single most reason I’ve become such a cold hearted bitch, is that I am disappointed in myself.
I’m beginning to think we have all become so afraid to let people see who we truly are, mistakes and all, that we shut down when things get difficult, in order to avoid our true colors being ran up the flagpole. “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you can’t have me at my best” has become a mantra. “But please don’t tell anybody about my worst…” we say. Shouldn’t we be proud of our actions? No more twiddling our thumbs. No more burying our heads in the sand!
I’ve been told the earth’s energy is cleansing itself. (Hello New Moon Solstice!)
Removing that which doesn’t support our highest good. Not allowing any more toxic energy to invade our privacy. But still, it hurts to lose a friend, no matter how big or small. Some people you’ve cared about for years… others merely a passing the wind.
So why do we hurt each other? Why do we continue to punish the people closest to us? Ironically the action that tends to hurt others the most is SILENCE. At least if we’re yelling you know that you feel something real. But ignorance is not bliss when it comes to emotional trysts. Forgiveness is bliss in this case. At this time, I am trying to forgive myself for all of the mistakes I’ve made personally; all of the passive aggressive snippy comments that could have gone without saying… I am taking responsibility for my past actions that I am not proud of and dealing with my karma. Avoiding it is not working. I will look my ego in the mirror and clean it up.
I’ve tried hard in this life to be a peace keeper. To not stir the pot (too much). To let sleeping dogs lie. To avoid conflict and confrontation… and I can’t help but feel STIFLED. SO many times on Facebook (or in real life) I’ve wanted to say the thing that would snappily wake someone up to a different perspective, but I’ve bitten my tongue for the sake of friendship. Let it go. Overlooked informalities as to not ripple the waters. There’s already enough conflict, why add to it?
I look at Iggy Azaela
, and other “pop stars” and famous people who are choosing to (or choosing not to) use their mouth-pieces to bring about messages to the larger population. When you look at what it is Iggy is actually saying, I see her stirring the pot for the SAKE of stirring the pot, not giving a FUCK about what anybody else things. And while she may not necessarily be wrong or right (and I think she is both wrong and right in many aspects), at least she’s saying something. And in return, she’s being chastised with much anger. Is it worth it? Why do people always have to pick a fight!
The reality is that there are always two sides to every coin and story. We are all right in our truth and our falses. We are ALL convicts of our own egos, and sometimes you just CAN’T suppress it any longer. Better out than in they say….
True peace comes when you find acceptance and cultivate understanding. Acceptance for the policeman AND for the boy who was shot. Acceptance for the Jews AND Palestinians. Acceptance for your friend who’s wronged you AND for yourself for feeling wronged.
We can stand around wasting time pointing fingers…. “he did this to me and then I told so-and-so- and now he’s mad at me because I talked shit but he doesn’t know that I know that she talked shit first” BLA BLA BLA … OR we can take some fucking responsibility for our OWN actions. YOU know what you did deep down to wrong someone or not. You also know what you’ve done to poison yourself. You can make all the excuses and justifications in the world about reasons WHY you did what you did, but until you get REAL honest with yourself about learning and growing from your past and shedding the ego’s presence, we will never find true happiness on this earth.
I had a friend recently who offered to make me some music for my upcoming CD. They have been a dear friend for more than 15 years, and are a magical talented musician and artist. I have nothing but respect for their work, and after years of talking collaboration, I was so excited to finally have something tangible with this person to present to the world. After sending them my ideas for a song, and not hearing anything back, I wasn’t even concerned. I happened upon their soundcloud to fall asleep to their beautiful melodies one night, and I heard my song CONCEPT coming out of their mouth, if that makes sense. No, they did not steal my words, no they did not steal my melody, but they did take my idea and produced it without a word of collaboration. And I was sad. I took this information and calmly asked them WHY? Why would you do this to someone you love and cherish? Why wouldn’t you WANT to do it together? It could have been a kick-ass number one hit, but fuck it, now!! The answer I got was not one of mutual understanding, and what happened afterward is not even worth sharing…. other than this was one of several circumstances lately where I’ve had to let someone who I love very much go, after much anger and sadness came to light.
I still cannot fully understand it. I only know that the universe works in strange and powerful ways. I can only stand strong in my truth and my own forgiveness and strength, in hopes of some day better understanding why all of this pain and fear is surfacing now.
I do know, that I am no longer willing to DIM MY OWN LIGHT so that others my shine. That is not fair to my spirit. Still with humility, of course, I will dance and sing my heart whole again and again to my open heart’s content. I will allow my body to be a clean vessel for the divine to come through and do great work.
I am choosing to use this solstice as a time to better myself FULLY. To release that which doesn’t serve my health and wholeness. Less sugar. Less intoxicants. Less wasted time. Less anger. Less harboring. Less distractions. In doing this, my friend and love of my life taught (the infamous Ruckus) has me a very valuable lesson to not necessarily give up something, but to replacing it with something else. More fruits and vegetables. More yoga and exercise. More time with family and people who encourage me to be the best version of me. More soul seeking spirituality. More sweat lodges. More meditations and rituals. More radical HONESTY. Move giving. More reading and learning. More intention and focus on visualizing the future. I’ve been told we are powerful creatures and can manifest anything into our lives if we are clear enough.
No more putting off tomorrow what can be done today. No more “I’ll start my resolution on New Year’s Day”. Life starts TODAY. And if I mess up and don’t succeed right away, I’ve got this little gift of forgiveness in my back pocket ready for an immune booster at any moment.
SELF LOVE. Self care. Self reliance. Meditate on it. And let me know what you find, always!
In good health and good-standing moving forward,
“Young at heart but an old soul
Timeless Mindless out of control.”