Weight a damn minute!

It’s weird how creativity comes and goes when it pleases.  I haven’t been called to write anything in ages and all of a sudden my muse takes me by the hold and demands I deep dive to unpack say what ….. big reveal: DEPRESSION.  What else is there to talk about in 2023? Depression and all that comes with it. Oy to the Vey. Okay.

But depression isn’t obvious. Instead, what do people tend to notice?  Not the gray in your eyes, or your lack of attendance at current events, nor your absence posting online.  They say: 

“Wow, you look great! How’d you get so skinny? What’s your secret?”

So I’ll say it again for the people in back. DepressiON. It can be a blessing, and a curse. All over I see, so many people are hurting, BAD.  I see it in all different walks of life I’m entwined with.  Hell, I’m like the strongest person I know, and I’M struggling… something is really out of wack here.  Or is this just a part of getting older? Hell if I know. But I want to understand, and help others understand. So here I am, talking about it. Trying to find the right words to explain and learn and then better explain just what is amiss, and what can be done to heal.

Here’s one pro tip: When someone loses or gains weight obviously, it’s best to not comment on it or ask about it.  Surely, if they are excited about it, or it’s a good thing, they will be talking your ear off about it, without you having to ask 😉  

Now STOP calling me Shirley!  I know I know…

One could argue that what I’m really doing with writing blogs and creating content is what I’ve always radically championed, which is to push for the truth and to try to find some meaning or silver lining in the dark clouds, whatever may be raining. I have always been an optimistic realist it seems, and though I’ve become a bit more jaded as I’ve aged, my enthusiasm for a good punchline still rings true. 

But just how honest can I be these days? When you put yourself in the public eye, there’s always someone watching, and with that when you’re doing anything right comes haters; the naysayers. The people trying to bring you down. I’ve already had to walk away from a professional job to ensure my freedom to be an artist prevailed, as I felt I was being censored and silenced by community members who didn’t appreciate my large assortment of different artistic expressions. That one hurt.  I felt as though I can’t be my authentic self, in fear of “what will they think?”  I try so hard not to care… but really I probably care way too much.

Now, the older I get, the less fucks I have to give.  I mean the whole reason I moved to California was to be radical and push the envelope of creativity, not to settle for mediocrity midlife. So I make moves… I perform in burlesque shows, while at the same time continuing to work in a professional environment, and hope to maintain a healthy balance. Yes, I still teach hula hooping to children, even though I read erotic poetry on the weekends at nightclubs. And I still have rabbis and people of different circles I hold in high regard in my network.  And then there’s still my mother’s loud voice every time I post something controversially risqué online saying “what would your synagogue think?”  So I continue to weigh the ethics… what’s more important, telling the truth, or being comfortable?

Obviously my heart mind wants to scream “THE TRUTH!”, while my head is staying “stay comfortable you dummy… why are you trying to make your life harder? BE comfortable”. Honestly, I just can’t help myself but tell the truth. It’s probably all the drugs I’ve taken that have brought it out of me over the years, like a truth serum.

The truth is, I’ve been depressed for a long time. It’s why I’ve become so skinny right now. I’ve been struggling to find an appetite lately… for so many things. My mental health has been up and down, for various reasons it’s hard to pinpoint. And It’s nearly impossible to get a psych appointment right now, or to get Kaiser to take me seriously with my health.  I’m shooting blind as to how to solve not just my own medical journey, but also this global crisis, that feels like weighs on my shoulders.  Every doctor I talk to is worn out, understaffed, underpaid, and angry at the system as well. Everyone is worn out and angry about something or another.

None of this is probably news to you… from our default world collapsing to my own mental health and how it has influenced  my creative life.  I’ve been a wide open book about this, at the risk of people even challenging my mental health, saying things like “yeah you’re thriving, you’re fine… you’re not REALLY depressed”.  And while sometimes, even I think that could be true, only I know the depths of my despair that have often accompanied the highest of highs. My life is truly blessed, and I dare to say I have more moments to cherish than most. (If only I could remember half of them!)  My memory certainly isn’t what it used to be after all the intoxicantions I’ve run through my body.  More truth. More to expose… Maybe for another time. I am writing a book about it after all 😉 It’s called The Color of Fucked Up, and it’s about the Order of Operations in which an obsessive-compulsive borderline ADD addict lives their life a slave to. It’s a book about obsession really, everything from cheese to ketamine, to love and everything in between. I may never finish it, or release it, and that’s okay. I’m writing it for me.

This blog, I’ve written for me and for you, and what I want to leave you with, is this: IT IS OKAY to be depressed sometimes.  It’s okay to feel like crap and take a few days off for your mental health. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to do preventative self care and to be honest about where you’re at.  And it’s okay, to tell the truth. That’s all we can do.

May you be so blessed and free that you can be honest with yourself, let alone others who care about you.

Until next time,
MissCorrection

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The Immediacy of 12 Steps

We’ve arrived. It’s 2020 and we are literally all fucking our own burns (a common phrase burners use in snarky satire, though it’s generally more of a term of endearment.) But here we are, 2020, “The Multiverse” is here, and all of our burns are fucked. For a good reason, too. Everything extracurricular SHOULD be on hold while the world (achem, excuse me, AMERICA) get’s it’s act together. It’s embarrassing we’ve let it get on this far out of hand, this toxic hold that congress has held over it’s citizens. It’s the perfect storm of a revolution. Almost as if someone or something was behind it all?

It’s honestly everything we could have ever dreamed about as far as apocalyptic criteria goes. We are smack dab in the middle of a shit-show reality fan-fare fuck fest of egos. If you’re not angry, you’re not paying attention. And if you’re an artist, you’re trying to figure out how the fuck we are supposed to make any light of this all? Are we allowed to make light? Is light needed? Or maybe, we need to sit with the darkness for a while?

By now, we’ve probably all found our “safe spaces”… whatever “that” means for you. You’ve found your own weird coping mechanisms, what works & what doesn’t. You’ve learned what you can live with, and what’s a deal breaker (some are learning faster than others). Maybe it’s your mate, your best friend, or your mother that, has been your lifeline. Maybe it’s your theme camp of best friends group chat on Facebook that is keeping your chin up during the epic flood (I hear Elon is building an ark that doubles as a submarine). “Just keep treading water”

Or maybe, it’s good humor keeping you sane during this “what’s supposed to just be a phase” flu season of pandemic greatness. Maybe it’s your dog, or your job keeping you alive? Maybe it’s alcohol and Instagram that passes your time and offers you a sense of temporarily relief from the ratchet outside. Some of you are kayaking; nature is how you escape. Others are wallowing in shame and self-defeat, knowing better, but searching for a deeper rock bottom. It’s the “I really should recycle this jar, but I just can’t even give a fuck right now” general consensus that’s gnawing at our insides. Pick your poison; you’re not alone.

Usually, it’s some fantastic cocktail combo of heaven and hell that’s just tasty enough to continue to sip, nay, savor, to make it all palatable. Still the side effects cannot be ignored forever. The iceberg is dead ahead. We can’t keep eating bullshit for dinner any more. We are all thirsty for security, and at the same time justice; hungry for truth, or something remotely palatable to feel worthy of our own existence. We all want the truth, but at what expense?

So, are you leaning into your vices, or standing up to them?

I would bet that we all are leaning HARD into our coping mechanisms right about now. Whether that’s battling work, the deer in your garden, or depression. We are all out here trying to find something to live for, let alone something to die for. And to do this, we heave learned to turn to the gurus that have come before us, as we look for answers. What the FUCK are we supposed to be doing on this rock? “What can we do to help the world be a better place?” When I ask myself that question, I keep getting led back to the same thing. It starts with you. It all starts with you.

We are supposed to be doing?… The answer: ourselves. Ding Ding DING! Taking care of OURSELVES is our first priority, let alone governing our networks; it’s a full time job. If you take care of yourself properly, then the “governing of our neighborhoods” tends to shake out in the logistics, which you can observe with the study case of Black Rock City. A place where everyone takes care of themselves, while also having communal and civic responsibility to take care of others to fall back on.

Ahh, Burners, not only did we draw the map, get the permit, and bring the dance party; we also have a handbook. We have written the playbook: The Ten Principles – a brief but detailed guide to taking care of YOUR shit.

Let’s review the stuff.

1. Decomodification – No more cultural exploitation of stuff
2. Immediacy – Live in the NOW stuff
3. Participation – Take part in the stuff that interests you
4. Self Reliance – Take care of your own stuff
5. Self Expression – Strut your stuff
6. Leave No Trace – Leave no stuff behind
7. Civic Responsibility – Get involved with law and order stuff
8. Gifting – Give stuff away when you can
9. Communal Effort – Help out with stuff
10. Radical Inclusion – Anyone can participate in this stuff
11. Consent – ALWAYS with this stuff
12. Take it Outside – spread this stuff around – just DO SOMETHING!

Some principles are easier to learn and interpret and we can innately attribute value to it such as: Gifting – the art of giving freely with nothing in return. Who would have thought there was value in giving something away? That’s an easy one to start with if you’re looking for a way to bring a bit of the burner spirit into your life. What can you afford to give away? Challenge: Give something away that is unexpected, and see what happens. (Don’t forget to pay attention to the ripples, or not.)

Let’s take the principle of: Inclusion – we all know how it feels to notice someone on the outskirts and bring them into community. We know how it felt to be left out and lost; alone. Let’s challenge each there to look around and pay attention to what needs it. I invite you to consider: “When was the last time you did something inclusive, or forced yourself to participate in something that made you uncomfortable?” Here we are, feeling uncomfortable about being uncomfortable again. SIT WITH IT. Ask it questions. Work through it. When we continue to ignore what so obviously needs attention, it gets worse. That’s Karma.

Self-expression and self-reliance are obvious principles in concept, but not easy, and sometimes scary to embody. There is times to explore the inner soul workings of expression and of preparedness in life, which can take years to skim.

We may never master them completely, but the more I look at the principles and try to tackle them personally, the more I realize just how much work there is to do if you just look around your neighborhood. Before you look outside, start inside, and some of us, some of us need a program.

So, What step are you on? Let’s work ‘em. Together if you like?

So pick one… Have you mastered your leaving no trace habits (always a daily practice)? When I ask myself “am I truly acting upon my civic responsibility?” the answer is generally “well you can always do more”. And God forbid we look at immediacy these days it’s practically slapping us in the face constantly. I can’t look away. Do I have enough money and food to eat today? Do I have a roof over my head? “Yes”. Ok. That is more than sufficient and I should be grateful for another day. Coming from someone who has been a life-long habitual planner and slave to calendars and lists, it is foreign territory to not have a schedule to worry about as a crutch for my insatiable need to be productive. To do MORE. Communal effort calls… and while it’s sometimes difficult to interpret what it’s saying, and it’s calling your name right now to get out into the street and DO something that makes the world, ever-so-slightly a better place. Please. “We need all hands on deck for setting up camp. This means you.”

People are jumping in with unexpected skills. This is where creativity and out of the box thinking is a welcome sport. On the decomodification front, a phenomenon is happening in the most obscure ways all over the interwebs. Leave it to the alt TikTok kids to start creating accounts like “OfficialPurell” and “BurgerKingMerchandize” to fuck with the system and take the power back from advertisers trying to capitalize on the creativity of our youth. “Shame on you for thinking you can dupe us for so long” Commodification: the world we live in depends on it. But it doesn’t have to rule our every decision. If you are commodifying, because let’s face it, we’re all capitalists like it or not, then take a look at where you are spending your money. Are we investing in a better world? Trash is a serious matter in this reality, and you better be able to pack out your own.

“You vote with your wallet. Your dollar bill is your ballot ” – Wookie Foot

Thinking and acting local with intention and mindful environmental responsibility has never been more front and center. The time to take a stand for justice and equality has never been more available. It’s almost as if… as if the 2012 Mayan prophecies are all coming to fruition, slowly and painfully. Let that sink in as we switch gears into: The Multiverse and take everything we have learned from Black Rock City and apply it for real; as needed.

It couldn’t get any clearer. Burning Man’s Caveat put out a great article (Burning Man Culture in the Time of the Plague) about the Multi-verse that we have literally manifested for ourselves and that we are now currently building. REAL TIME. Taking the burn “out into the world” without a playa to even look forward to, kind of puts a whole new spin on the realities of this life that we spend so much energy building for ourselves. What if the default would could be different? What’s if there isn’t this make believe alternative reality, but instead, that world is the default?

Right now, I am so fortune that my life is literally turned into a theme camp. My car has become a stage. My clothes are my costumed representation of justice and freedom. The food I eat represents what I want to put into my body… and, yes, I really need to work on my civic responsibility, so that I can assure that everyone in my neighborhood and in this country has the right to a quality life, just as I have.

We owe it to all of those who have died in the face of privileged injustice. We owe it to our ancestors, to put this world back together again, properly.

“We are going to need a bigger temple”
Burning Man Podcast: https://burningman.org/live/

A friend of mine shared this graphic novel of the death rate of the highest causes of death since January, and it is truley alarming:

https://public.flourish.studio/resources/embed.js

This is only another reminder of the seriousness of the state of the world it is that we live… this multiverse is complex, and there are many unknown territories to explore, channels to swim, and battlegrounds to cross before we can celebrate our pilgrimage again as burners. Until then, we must yes, bring our burner flare out into the world, but continue to do so with the love and tact and compassion and this revolution needs right now. Our attention to detail. Our humor. Our work ethic. Our kindness and generosity. Those qualities are needed now more than ever. We are all rangers, and we are all here to help. We are all comfortable with the uncomfortable, and it’s time to buckle our seatbelt.

We are not through the finish line with this Pandemic… no, we are crossing this dessert. All of us. It might take many generations, but we are not turning back to the old way of things “working” just fine. Fine is not fine at all any longer. We are not giving in to slavery and warfare and military state intimidation tactics anymore.

Maybe you’re a perfect human being body, who has already mastered all of these steps in a past life and now have one of those convenient holier-than-thou righteous badges proudly on your arm… I beg of you, to please, help teach the world these ways. We must take these principles, these concepts, and gift them freely to anyone and all who are ready leave this toxic relationship for good.

It’s a lot to pack in, and it’s the lightest I’ve ever packed for this burn, now that this burn it’s my LIFE. I never thought that I would miss the dust SO much.

I wonder, does the dust miss us when we are gone?

Love,
MissConditioning

Candida – What?

“I’d like to think these hard times are just instilling us with the lessons we will need to be successful later” 

Are you taking notes?  I sure have been. Many years ago a young lady told me about her issues with Candida, which is when there is an unbalance of yeast overgrowth in the body.  What she spoke of was fascinating, but I was skeptical.  It sounded “new-agey” and like a lot of hokey-pokey snake oil, but I did some research and the more I learn about the human body and my own system, the more I believe from understanding my friend’s own journey and lessons from ten years ago (Thanks Leigh).  

Taking care of oneself is a full time job.  I wish someone had explained this when I was younger in school. What DID they teach us anyway?  They told us a lot about the “drugs” we were not supposed to take, the scares, the horrors of using “bad drugs” and how it would fuck up your life, but I don’t exactly remember them saying “why”.  And then we were taught some about the “good” drugs (aka antibiotics and other man-made chemical formulas) that we were supposed to take to make us well, but they didn’t warn us about the dangers of taking them.  You see, when you take an antibiotic, you have to be incredibly careful to make sure to take probiotics with and immediately after. For some this is common knowledge, but  I cannot tell you how many times doctors have prescribed me an antibiotic and never said a word about the health of my gut.  When you don’t follow the correct protocol, you risk your small intestine over-growing with bad bacteria.  These bad gut bacterium in turn eat your nutrients, so that your body doesn’t get them, even when you’re eating a super clean diet.    

When I tell you I’ve been sick for over a month, realistically it’s probably been more like a year or two, or 10, that I’ve been dealing with this type of mysterious illness that manifests as chronicle fatigue, not to mention bloating and gas (YAY for my boyfriend, right?) and other GI issues.  Yes, I messed up my gut years ago unknowingly, and now I am paying the price.    Doctor after doctor has run tests and tell me that “everything looks good”, so I had to start taking matters into my own hands.  

What does that look like? Overall I feel okay, I feel “fine”, but I don’t feel GOOD.  I’ve been one one of those scary medical googling binges and asking my doctor constantly about this or that; I’m sure he thinks I’m paranoid and crazy, but I stopped caring about that, I just want to feel BETTER.  

So I’ve been taking all of the research and knowledge that I have learned on the sidelines over the years about staying healthy, and pulling it together in a full embodied plan for living life, and yes indeed it is a full time job.  Many of you have heard me talk about the Whole30, which I am still a huge proponent of, and that sugar/carbs/dairy elimination diet has been the foundation for cleaning out my gut.  Healing truly can and has to be done with food… it’s not just a recipe, it’s a lifestyle.  It takes time and money… all the money I’m saving by NOT doing drugs, I’m spending on food and supplements, but hey, at least I’m taking care of myself.  

Healing is truly a feel time job.  Today I took off work because I woke up feeling absolutely exhausted and knowing what I needed to do today would involve not being at work, so I sucked it up and set about continuing on my health cleanse.  

This morning, I woke up, took my morning meds which included two tinctures, several multi vitamins, ashwaganda, lysine, and reshi (all spread out by about 20 minutes to give each molecule some alone time to process. I also take aloe with probiotics along with my meal, a mud shot (yes, real MUD to clean the pipes), along with several other oils balms and remedies to try and keep myself on track.  This morning, I ran myself an apple cider vinegar bath, while freezing some coconut oil and tea tree suppositories, I also used the mud on my face for a mask, made a hot tea with 40+ medicinal herbs, did some stretches, and this is all on top of the colonic hydro-thearpthy session I had yesterday (now you can understand why I needed to stay home from work!)…. The list goes on. In fact, I CREATED my own “self-care” daily reminder list that goes a little something like this:

NO SUGAR FOR ME THANK YOU!!
Food Prep Weekly
Supplement twice a day
Tinctures twice a week
Probiotics every day – Take aloe with probiotic
Coconut oil pulling
Mud Mask once a week – or mud drink!
Frankincense and tea tree for anti fungal on floor of shower
Coconut Oil Moisturize!
Bath: Epsom salt, sea salt, ginger, baking soda and activated charcoal
Sleep with lavender on my pillow at night
Take magnesium before bed
Ravansara under my toes
Bergamot in the morning on my temples
Iron Ferrus Sulfate 1 pill three times a week
And on occasional colonic 😉
Why do I need a list? Because forming habits is hard, and I need constant reminders of staying on track.  

It’s almost 2:00 p.m. and I still have major food prep to do.  I’m day 18 on this Candida food cleanse, and I honestly don’t even know what I would do if I didn’t have sick-days to take off work to focus on my health right now.  Being and staying healthy is truly the most important and more difficult part of our lives….one bite at a time.   

It’s also much easier when it’s a GROUP EFFORT. As always, feel free to post your recipes and ideas for staying healthy or treating Candida in the comments section below.  I learn from you, and we learn from each other, that’s how this works.

MissNutrician,

www.themissconception.com

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Tisha B’Av – The Day of Mourning

First we have to forgive each other. 

And then, we must forgive ourselves.

As someone who although was raised Jew-ish, always felt spiritually connected to all faiths, you might be surprised to know that while I do many Jewish things, I am not all that religious.  I was raised reform, some of my family is orthodox, much of my work is in a conservative Jewish context, my prayerful nature is certainly Jewish, but I have always been a rail rider…  a paradox.  How can I be Jewish, and also be…. performing burlesque, singing Kiran to Hindu gods, or, god forbid, eating bacon?  I don’t belong fully to any of the laws, and yet I am still a summation of all that I have learned and come to known as comforting in the realm of prayer and spirit. I consider myself to be pretty attuned to all the ways the spirit works, nondenominationally, as far as being human is concerned.

So when a few weeks ago I had this sense of dread come over me… I was baffled by this unexplainable heavily grieving of loss. Nothing showed overtly obvious as a reason…My love and work has been steady, I’m not PSMing, Mercury isn’t still in retrograde if you consider that important…  granted, we live in an age where I fail to see how it’s possible for anybody not to be constantly depressed about this morbid state of the union… affairs… our planet…all that we have created. It’s a boat-load of good and bad. That aside… I checked in with myself, and though I felt balanced and healthy within,  still, there was great sadness.

As people come and go in and out of our lives, is to be expected, and we ourselves undergo new phases of ourselves – old parts dying off, new parts growing –  some things forever stay relevant, perhaps like faith, spirit, creativity.  The real reality and secret is that EVERYTHING is temporary; we are always learning the process and when we master the process, then it changes.  If you haven’t yet noticed, it has become clear to many that attachment is where  pain grows. Specifically, unhealthy attachment.

I mentioned I currently work at a conservative synagogue in the Bay Area, and last week a man came in grappling with his mortality. With tears in his eyes he said he has two-four months to live and just wants to make it easy on his family. My tears began to flow with him and we hugged and talked…grief is a process, not a destination or something to avoid. And even when it’s not your own grief, it is still overt and demands attention; always better not to be done alone.

Then, in a staff meeting on Thursday, my Rabbi did a short teaching, and it hit me like lightening… he explained that this weekend is Tisha B’Av! The Jewish day of mourning. What is that about?

For those that aren’t familiar, on this day in 2019, Saturday, August 10, at sundown marked the Jewish day known as Tisha B’av. Known as the 9th of the Jewish month of Av, and it has a reputation of being the saddest day of the year.  It usually occurs in July or August, and the Gregorian date switches around, it marks the culmination of a three week period of mourning.   Twenty-four hours dedicated to the communal mourning of disastrous events that have all occurred on this day throughout history.  I thought I would name a few, the first one written in the Bible, our oldest rendering of time, states:

“ …On the ninth of Av it was decreed that our fathers should not enter the Promised Land”.  –Mishnah Ta’anit 4:6

…And it was decided the Jews had to wonder the dessert for 40 more years (or something of that nature, I didn’t go to synagogue tonight, because clearly I am not the best Jew. I like to keep my options open… but I instead, worked on this blog post, and dug deeper)

Tisha B’Av commemorates the destruction of the first and second Temples in Jerusalem, both of which were destroyed on the ninth of Av (the first by the Babylonians in 586 B.C.E.; the second by the Romans in 70 C.E.). On this day the many other tragedies occurred, notably the expulsion of the Jews from Spain in 1492 and from England in 1290. Some connect the day to Kristallnacht, which began on the 9th of November, or to the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center. Perhaps a stretch, but worth noting.  Some other dates include:

• The First Crusade officially commenced on August 15, 1096 (Av 24, AM 4856)
• The Jews were expelled from England on July 18, 1290
• The Jews were expelled from France on July 22, 1306
• The Jews were expelled from Spain on July 31, 1492
• Germany entered World War I on August 1–2, 1914
• On August 2, 1941, SS commander Heinrich Himmler received approval from the Nazi Party for “The Final Solution.” As a result, the Holocaust began.

And then, a little further research thanks to my friend Moxie proved to show that :

• 1871 – Chicago Fire 370 dead
• 1989 – San Francisco Earthquake
• 1992 – Hurricane Andrew
• 1972 – NYC heat wave – 891 dead

And the beat goes on. Really, no matter which way you look at it, people are constantly in a cycle of grieving.  It’s unavoidable.  And yet, here we are, continuing to walk forward in our lives as if nothing is wrong.

Luckily, traditions have developed observations in which to help people deal with these emotions.  The jews sit shiva for seven days when someone dies.  Many custums have particular rituals with which to honor the dead.  #DayoftheDead

Central to the observance of this Tisha B’Av period is fasting. I also found it interesting that during this three week period of mourning preceding the 9th of Av, weddings and other parties are not permitted, and people refrain from cutting their hair or having sexual relations.  From the first to the ninth of Av, it is customary to refrain from eating meat or drinking wine and from wearing new clothing.  All of these actions are considered a luxury and inappropriate for a time of mourning.  Visiting cemeteries is highly encouraged to tighten the sadness.  Uniquely on Tisha B’Av, Torah study, meant to be joyful, is not permitted. Some parts of the Bible or Talmud are allowed, like Job or Jeremiah.

Bottom line, the community grieves together.

Now, whatever your ritual or history or beliefs may be…  we all feel pain.  And we all crave to be understood. Which begs the question: 

What DO we do with all this pain?  More and more comes every day. 

I’ve learned that first, you have to process it and acknowledge it. And then you forgive it.  You forgive BOTH sides of the story… you forgive others, and then you forgive yourself.

It’s not easy to admit the truth, especially when some of it has been blocked out potentially. And sometimes, we need a little help doing that.  Usually this is easier said than done, and that’s why we developed these communal places to grieve and morn, where it is done in a group setting, facilitated even sometimes.  In our communities.

That is exactly what the Temple at Burning Man is designed to do. Organically. No religion. No priest. Just community.

Temple 2018

This year, I’m ramping up for my fifth Burning Man, and my mother who recently was told about the Temple at Burnin Man, informed me that she is ready to make the pilgrimage.. NEXT YEAR.  “Wow, I thought… just when I was thinking maybe I should do something else with my time…”.  And yet, why did she want to go all of a sudden?  

To my surprise, because someone explained to her the grieving process that happens at Burning Man, at many of the various temples in fact.  It’s such an important piece of the journey that is so often overlooked, and something I am greatly looking forward to spending some time at this year.  And someday, maybe I can even bring my momma to this sacred place, one that is different every year. 

It’s worth mentioning that “the” temple isn’t the only temple at burning man; in fact there are several. I’m honored to be working with this team a bit this year on the playa called Bee Divine .  This honey-combed shape temple at Burning Man will guide people into embodying the Divine Feminine through ritual and holding space.  “The art piece developed into a large-scale interactive temple that would hold interactive ritual theater,” said creator, Elizabeth Huebner. ” I wanted to create a beautiful temple, but I also wanted to explore how we can choose to create sacred experiences through the use of our own will and imagination.” 

In an effort to create sacred space and hold myself accountable for something meaninful, I’ll be working a shift at the Bee Divine and leading my Israeli-inspired Lotus Flower Forgiveness Movement Meditation Ritual at this hive at 7:00 am on Friday morning at Sunrise (location TBA).  In the meantime, no #FOMO, If you have something you need to let go of, no time like the present to metamorphosize! #beedivine #callitin #justaskhow

In the name of letting go, I am also really excited to be bringing my first piece of true art this year to the burn, introducing: GRACE …. the cutest baby fire you’ve always wanted! Come, help me feed her, keep her warm, keep her dry, and burn bright all week long. Participants will be invited to help keep the baby alive throughout the week by feeding her wood chips and ascribing an intention to each bite they deliver to her furnace.

You can come find Grace mostly around Center Camp and Pandora’s Bike and Fix it Shoppe at Rod’s Road and 4:30 …. Also we will be at the EL Diablo lighting ceremony Monday Sundown at Center Camp that Crimson Rose leads and possibly even at the main Man Burn  event, if the baby can hang!  Remember… doing sacred should also be silly… that’s the key to working your way through challenging times. Make it special.

“GRACE”

I want to say a special thank you to my lovely friend and playmate TJ Lee for taking my idea and helping make it a reality! Also want to thank Dan Brown for suggesting I make my “fire on wheels” idea into a baby carriage when we were watching the man burn last year …. the world works in mysterious ways! Sometimes you watch it burn from the front row, sometimes you watch it burn from the back row, but it’s all about who you’re standing with that matters.  

If I’ve learned one thing about the art of attachment (or lack there of), it is that the more you love, the more you will grieve, it is that simple.  Budda knew it. The more you want something, the more it will hurt when it’s gone.  And so we make choices based on how much we are willing to risk our hearts.  Keep this in mind as you move forward day to day; how much of yourself you give away and in exchange for what. 

I encourage you to not shy away from that which you love, but rather, love with a healthy intention and with compassion.  You never know when someone is grieving, and THEY themselves might not even know it either.  But love and grief are real, it is physical, it’s emotional, and it’s going to happen.  

It’s time to start dealing with it.  And please know, that you are never alone.  Reach out anytime, I always make myself available when it’s important. 

Love,

MissConviction

www.themissconception.com

New Album called Sermony | Ceremony Coming Soon in 2020!

Healing Feelings

“Creating all this drama while running from our trauma” Professor Nightlife Jones

“Despite all my rage, Im still just a rat in a cage!” – Jai Love

I’ve come to love the sound of the recycling jingling in and out of cans outside my bedroom window on the street below…. not because of the environmental implications, I mean, but because it sounds like home. My home, now. Life on Clement. 94118. I chose this very place, of all the towns and cities in the United States, I picked here. The Inner Richmond. Why?  Many reasons. Fate. Chance.  Coupled with my proximity to work in Tiburon at the synagogue, and for a variety of other factors involving landscape, environment, proximity and creativity, this is my home of choice.  My sanctuary. My center. The eye of my storm.   

That’s not to say I don’t doubt myself everyday. Did I make the right choice? Pick the right city? The right job? The right part of town.   I KNOW that I picked the right partner, thank goodness, and I am grateful everyday for that clarity. So why have I been so…. disillusioned?  So unhappy.  What more could I want?

Yes, I do miss my family. But I like it here. I like who I have become.  I’m not as sweet as I used to be, but much kinder and smarter, I’d like to think.  Rougher.  More careful with my energy and time and space. Protective. A mamma bear.  I work out now, sort of.  I actively DON’T eat cheese at every meal.  I don’t smoke… near as much as I used to.  I don’t weigh myself down with unnecessary bullshit and small talk with people I don’t care about.  So where are these giant waves of sadness coming from? Are they a part of me? Or maybe much bigger than me? Generations larger than I can possibly comprehend, it seems.

And I am open to it.  I asked to understand, the human condition. I remember at six-years-old asking for answers of the universe.  I read Conversations with God and the Four Agreements at an early age, and lots of other spirituality self help type books that seemed reasonably informative.   I remember adults protecting me from the truth, for the same damn reasons we protect our own hearts and tune out our own minds when it’s convenient, which is more often than not these days.  Every night we feel the need to turn the volume up or down, it seems.  To alter our current state, because reality is not pretty. 

And sure, we can blame it on mercury in retrograde, or the solar storms, or claim we are just products of our environment, and that’s nice, to put a name on it. A blame. “Survival of the fittest”, gone wrong.  Of course, I am not niave enough to think it is all outside consequences no, I am open to it being all my fault. By no means is my life perfection; though I wouldn’t have had it any other way.  The amount of beauty and joy I have been shown far outweighs and exceeds the haunting of mistakes and misdeeds, that me and those who came before have scored. Everything we know is constantly in a stage of flux and transition; growing, changing, building, maintaining.  Disruption. Creation. On repeat. New twist.  Developed plots thicken. We grow sicker. We discover a cure.  It is true, that I have grown sicker, weaker, sadder. And it has been very hard for me to admit that to myself, because once you give it power, then it changes, right? 

Upon reflecting of my past, my relationships gone wrong, friendships failed, I have grown discouraged. Though admitting your mistakes is the first step to changing the future.  Please know that if I haven’t followed through or reached out to you lately, and I was supposed to, please forgive me. Life has been like a god damn tornado. I  lived my whole life in Kansas thinking I’d never seen a tornado, until I got to San Francisco and realized that the tornado was all around me. I was the calm. 

Somehow, I’ve thrown myself out of orbit. What was once an eye is now a limb, a gust, an upheaval of old foundation crumbled to new. As I continue to stumble down this dumbfounded road, seeing new walks of life, some pristine and some soot, I recognize my own depression is a result of years of neglect and emotional instability, from my own actions but also from the gusts of wind from other storms, other atmospheres, colliding.  Exhausted.  Worn. 

The storm comes and goes, and so does my vulnerability.  As I continue to try and be as present and available to others all the while taking care of my own sanity.  I want to do more. I aim to do more.  I will not give up on doing more, for myself and for my community. 

Sometimes it is as simple as switching your medication.    

Sometimes, it’s as simple as saying something.  Speaking up. 

Saying I’m sorry if you have to.  

Admitting your truth and finding your next step. 

Sourcing the pain, so you can work on healing the wound. 

My friend taught me a learning recently. She said “Sara, you’ve been so open, you’re forgetting to protect yourself”. And then she taught me to clear.  After years of being an empath, I now am aware of the consequences of neglecting that power. 

“Thank you (insert higher being here)
for clearing all draining and negative energy chords
in all directions of time. “

» three deep breaths – then follow with «

“Thank you (insert higher being)
for shielding me with 1000 feet of silver light
in all directions of time. And so it is”

-From April King_

Ripples that we make go everywhere, in all directions. We make them constantly- some microscopic and some so big we can’t even see that it’s a wave.

I Invite you, to be careful what you put in motion, as it may not turn out like you thought. You may not even be thinking about it consciously at all. Luck is chance and fate is a game. Back and forth. Sometimes you win sometimes you loose and you don’t have to play. You choose to feel it all or feel nothing. Both have consequence. Balance is only possible with out attachment and then constant upkeep of the body soul and mind / space we occupy. None of it matters and it all matters we all could argue reasoning for both. We are that enlightened. And yet we are our own enemy. We hold each other back. We fight the way of nature. We protect what we have know we hold onto tradition and the sacred for dear life maybe for a good reason maybe not. Sometimes both. The complexities of chance and fate and intentions at work here are astronomical unpredictable. The equation is long and the ripples are strong. Waves so big you may not even notice it.

In this day of age we are all ripe and raw.  We are BOTH sides of the coin and the paradox. We are all misconceptions. We could all argue both sides of the fence. So be careful what you say and always tell the truth. If you have the facts and integrity and kindness you will come out ahead and if for no one else but yourself. Be your own karma. Don’t forget to breath through it all. I love you. I’m working it out just as you are.  Maybe you’ve learned something and have something to teach me.  Don’t hold back; please, we need your voice.

“It’s about planting a seed, letting it grow
Nourish it, flourish is, give it grow, flow,
Water it down until the roots take hold
from the leaves on the trees to our breaks get old
Cultivate relationship millions of years,
Keep it strong, erase thereof fears.
Don’t you let no producer tell you that you can’t,
Just make sure you’re careful which seeds you plant” 

-MissConception, 2009, Plantin’ a Seed-

Dear Suicide

Friends and loved ones: This is a poem I wanted to share that I wrote when I was in high school and was considering what it would be like to not grow up.  I saw back then and now how fucked up and sad this world was even from a child’s perspective, and I felt it all.  I still do.  Many of us do.  We feel every abusive relationship, every neighbor grudge, even if they are not our own. Every fear tactic, every mass shooting and every war.  Every disease.  When you feel it all, you just want to feel nothing, and that’s how I felt when I was 16 and just wanted to crash my car into a tree.  What were my problems then really?  They paled in comparison to what I and many struggle with now and what the world is enduring I imagine.  So I wrote this letter, as many of us do/did, to everyone I loved, and in reality everyone who I hated, at the same time.  This is in no way a reflection of the relationships that I have or had with these people, but more an overall arching of the opposite of the way I felt, and how much anger, even then, I felt from this cruel and yet beautiful world. Even surrounded by LOVE.   Think of what we could overcome, if we all were to listen to each other, and process, rather than black out and shame.  Here’s to reducing the stigma and talking about depression instead of hiding from it. -MissConvinced

Dear Mother, 

Thank you for letting me die before you.
I know you never wanted to see this day through
before your own
but this vehicle has crashed,
my body has been thrown.

Dear Father,
Thank you for giving me everything you’ve ever done for me.
Funneling your hard earned profit into my college funding –
For raising the sun out of your ass,
and for buying me this car so I could crash
it in front of my mother’s home
so she could see how much I hate
driving down this road alone.  

Dear Brother –
Thank you for never taking the time to hang out with me,
I know you had shit to do, we were both busy.
Maybe you never wanted to know me anyway because after this
I am just one less person for you to miss.

Dear Grandma Carol and Papa Sid,
Thank you for raising a rockstar instead of a kid –
For leading me to believe that all of life was one big,
yet very serious joke
and now I’m spoiled and broke…
I have all this SHIT and no where to go
when all I really want is to just go home.

Dear Bubbie Esther–
Thank you for giving me the opportunity
to stand in your shoes so I can see
just how great a depression can be once more…
After all, we are both products of a nasty war…
and while your strength resides in my backbone core.
I’m not sure I can carry this legacy any further anymore.

Dearest unborn child of my throne –
Thank for your patience in womb;
for allowing all of those who came before you to atone, |while I quietly bitch and groan…
Fighting so hard for a soul I didn’t even know
and I’m not even sure I can save my own
to ensure you’re happily ever after so for now
I’ll just talk to me: 

Dear Me,
The girl herself doesn’t even really know…
I’m not sure of I’ll make it out cold
or surrounded by loved ones of my bone,
but I can still stick-shift down this gratitude road,
Into the unknown, and hope… that I am not alone.

Health, Love and Money….

My grandfather always used to say that him and his wife had figured out the success to a happy life and a happy marriage: “Health, love, and money, in that order” he says.

This blog today is to talk about HEALTH, the bases for heaving good love, and good wealth, really, because without a strong sense of health and strength, what good are the other two, anyway?

​I have spent years trying to figure out how to be “healthy”? It seems to be a mysterious far away, lofty ideal that no one has truly mastered.  Some know more than others, but it does come down to truly knowing your own body and lifestyle.

After blowing out my adrenals in college, and burning the candle at both ends, it has taken me at least ten years to catch up on sleep… and to teach myself how to eat PROPERLY and not give into temptation every time cheesecake comes calling.

Something else I’ve realized they don’t teach you in grade school (let alone college) is how and when to take your vitamins.  Now, I do NOT proclaim to be a nutritionist; rather this is simply an example of a regiment that, coupled with proper diet and exercise, can lead to a better you.  At the very least, it’s something to think about.

One really could drive themselves crazy over-thinking when and what to eat with what other food combinations in order to promote the best longevity.  Of course, you have to take into account the fact that some people eat meat, others don’t, some fish only, some vegans, etc…. which some would say might be attributed to blood type. (If you do some research, one will find that type 0 blood type is suggested to eat more meat than others…)

Do what you want with your food life, as long as it works for you.  All of that aside, after suffering some extreme fatigue, I came to discover that I have been prone to bacterial overgrowth that has been destroying all of my nutrients!  These guys, that live in your intestines, eat all of your food before the vitamins can hit the blood stream!  They got out of control because of SURPRISE: Antibiotics!  And it’s been a lot of hard work getting ahead of it, and the proper bacteria back in place via pro-biotics and other vitamins.As I became increasingly aware of what nutrients I was getting, when and from what, and slowly surely, the fatigue cloud is lifting.  Cutting out carbohydrates and glutton helped a lot, along with this powdered herbs I discovered ​(https://theinterstellarplan.com Discount Code: sg151) which I take daily.  But yes, I have become a slave to my vitamin regiment. When I saw my grandfather’s pill containers as a little girl, I never thought that would be me!  But alas, I have even discovered these tiny Macaron shaped pill containers for travel, that are a stitch.

In the end, it’s not what you carry them with, but it’s what you put into your body that matters, and WHEN!  They don’t tell you in school is that magnesium when taken with other nutrients can prevent them from going into your body, and other tips like this.

I have developed a list below of vitamins, supplements and minerals that I take and at what time.  This is simply based off of some simple google searches and what I determined was best for me.  If you’re serious about your health, then take an hour to look up what vitamins and minerals you are taking and when to take them.

Pro-biotic first thing in the morning along with my maca and interstellar herb tea

METHYL B12 morning under the tongue

Multivitamin Morning pre-meal

B5 with calcium morning meal (three times a day!)

Mineral supplement morning meal (made of dried alfalfa juice and kelp)

Vitamin C twice a day morning meal

Folic Acid morning meal

Fiber mid afternoon (usually in a shake)

B5 with calcium Lunch meal

Dandelion root mid afternoon (sometimes, not always)

Vitamin D evening meal

Vitamin E evening meal

Vitamin C evening meal

B5 with calcium evening meal

After dinner Activated Charcoal (if tummy hurts)

 L-tryosine evening (sometimes)

Zinc before bedtime

Iron before bedtime

Primrose before bedtime

Collagen at Bedtime

Magnesium RIGHT before bed

_________________________________________

On top of the regular self-care supplements I ritualize, then there’s what happens when you get sick.  Many people have posted lately about the flu and colds, and what to do when you fall ill.  Here is my protocol-

Three times a day add in:
Lysine

Echinacea

Golden seal

Turmeric tea with raw honey, hot pepper and lemon

Roasted garlic eat EIGHT cloves straight (delicious on bread) OR cut up raw garlic and swallow two cloves minced whole.

Elderberry Syrup 

Osha Root Tincture

Oregano Oil

Epsom salt bath with tea tree oil and eucalyptus

Ravansara essential oil under the toes at night before bead

_________________________________________________________

Again, I will say that I am NOT a trained professional, and what is right for me may not be right for you at all depending on your genes, your history and your body type.  Do the research for what is right for you, and always be learning and growing.  It doesn’t hurt to ask.  Feel free to ask away in the comment sections, and together we can find the right resources for any question you might have, or ailment that may be affecting you.  Chances are, there is a natural herb remedy for any symptom that might be afflicting you.  If you ARE going to go the antibiotic way (and certainly there is good use for these types of treatments) BE CAREFUL.  Do the research on how to properly adapt your body into healthy homeostasis before it’s too late.

Remember, that in order to change the world, you first have to change yourself.

❤

MissConcious