“Creating all this drama while running from our trauma” Professor Nightlife Jones
“Despite all my rage, Im still just a rat in a cage!” – Jai Love
I’ve come to love the sound of the recycling jingling in and out of cans outside my bedroom window on the street below…. not because of the environmental implications, I mean, but because it sounds like home. My home, now. Life on Clement. 94118. I chose this very place, of all the towns and cities in the United States, I picked here. The Inner Richmond. Why? Many reasons. Fate. Chance. Coupled with my proximity to work in Tiburon at the synagogue, and for a variety of other factors involving landscape, environment, proximity and creativity, this is my home of choice. My sanctuary. My center. The eye of my storm.
That’s not to say I don’t doubt myself everyday. Did I make the right choice? Pick the right city? The right job? The right part of town. I KNOW that I picked the right partner, thank goodness, and I am grateful everyday for that clarity. So why have I been so…. disillusioned? So unhappy. What more could I want?
Yes, I do miss my family. But I like it here. I like who I have become. I’m not as sweet as I used to be, but much kinder and smarter, I’d like to think. Rougher. More careful with my energy and time and space. Protective. A mamma bear. I work out now, sort of. I actively DON’T eat cheese at every meal. I don’t smoke… near as much as I used to. I don’t weigh myself down with unnecessary bullshit and small talk with people I don’t care about. So where are these giant waves of sadness coming from? Are they a part of me? Or maybe much bigger than me? Generations larger than I can possibly comprehend, it seems.
And I am open to it. I asked to understand, the human condition. I remember at six-years-old asking for answers of the universe. I read Conversations with God and the Four Agreements at an early age, and lots of other spirituality self help type books that seemed reasonably informative. I remember adults protecting me from the truth, for the same damn reasons we protect our own hearts and tune out our own minds when it’s convenient, which is more often than not these days. Every night we feel the need to turn the volume up or down, it seems. To alter our current state, because reality is not pretty.
And sure, we can blame it on mercury in retrograde, or the solar storms, or claim we are just products of our environment, and that’s nice, to put a name on it. A blame. “Survival of the fittest”, gone wrong. Of course, I am not niave enough to think it is all outside consequences no, I am open to it being all my fault. By no means is my life perfection; though I wouldn’t have had it any other way. The amount of beauty and joy I have been shown far outweighs and exceeds the haunting of mistakes and misdeeds, that me and those who came before have scored. Everything we know is constantly in a stage of flux and transition; growing, changing, building, maintaining. Disruption. Creation. On repeat. New twist. Developed plots thicken. We grow sicker. We discover a cure. It is true, that I have grown sicker, weaker, sadder. And it has been very hard for me to admit that to myself, because once you give it power, then it changes, right?
Upon reflecting of my past, my relationships gone wrong, friendships failed, I have grown discouraged. Though admitting your mistakes is the first step to changing the future. Please know that if I haven’t followed through or reached out to you lately, and I was supposed to, please forgive me. Life has been like a god damn tornado. I lived my whole life in Kansas thinking I’d never seen a tornado, until I got to San Francisco and realized that the tornado was all around me. I was the calm.
Somehow, I’ve thrown myself out of orbit. What was once an eye is now a limb, a gust, an upheaval of old foundation crumbled to new. As I continue to stumble down this dumbfounded road, seeing new walks of life, some pristine and some soot, I recognize my own depression is a result of years of neglect and emotional instability, from my own actions but also from the gusts of wind from other storms, other atmospheres, colliding. Exhausted. Worn.
The storm comes and goes, and so does my vulnerability. As I continue to try and be as present and available to others all the while taking care of my own sanity. I want to do more. I aim to do more. I will not give up on doing more, for myself and for my community.
Sometimes it is as simple as switching your medication.
Sometimes, it’s as simple as saying something. Speaking up.
Saying I’m sorry if you have to.
Admitting your truth and finding your next step.
Sourcing the pain, so you can work on healing the wound.
My friend taught me a learning recently. She said “Sara, you’ve been so open, you’re forgetting to protect yourself”. And then she taught me to clear. After years of being an empath, I now am aware of the consequences of neglecting that power.
“Thank you (insert higher being here)
for clearing all draining and negative energy chords
in all directions of time. “
» three deep breaths – then follow with «
“Thank you (insert higher being)
for shielding me with 1000 feet of silver light
in all directions of time. And so it is”
-From April King_
Ripples that we make go everywhere, in all directions. We make them constantly- some microscopic and some so big we can’t even see that it’s a wave.
I Invite you, to be careful what you put in motion, as it may not turn out like you thought. You may not even be thinking about it consciously at all. Luck is chance and fate is a game. Back and forth. Sometimes you win sometimes you loose and you don’t have to play. You choose to feel it all or feel nothing. Both have consequence. Balance is only possible with out attachment and then constant upkeep of the body soul and mind / space we occupy. None of it matters and it all matters we all could argue reasoning for both. We are that enlightened. And yet we are our own enemy. We hold each other back. We fight the way of nature. We protect what we have know we hold onto tradition and the sacred for dear life maybe for a good reason maybe not. Sometimes both. The complexities of chance and fate and intentions at work here are astronomical unpredictable. The equation is long and the ripples are strong. Waves so big you may not even notice it.
In this day of age we are all ripe and raw. We are BOTH sides of the coin and the paradox. We are all misconceptions. We could all argue both sides of the fence. So be careful what you say and always tell the truth. If you have the facts and integrity and kindness you will come out ahead and if for no one else but yourself. Be your own karma. Don’t forget to breath through it all. I love you. I’m working it out just as you are. Maybe you’ve learned something and have something to teach me. Don’t hold back; please, we need your voice.
“It’s about planting a seed, letting it grow
Nourish it, flourish is, give it grow, flow,
Water it down until the roots take hold
from the leaves on the trees to our breaks get old
Cultivate relationship millions of years,
Keep it strong, erase thereof fears.
Don’t you let no producer tell you that you can’t,
Just make sure you’re careful which seeds you plant”
-MissConception, 2009, Plantin’ a Seed-