It ebbs and flows, the nature of all systems. After being stuck in a rut for the past, oh, one to six years dare I say, it appears this month I’ve begun to blossom back into the highly creative functioning state I’m used to, which is a blessing and a bit of an OCD curse. This energy and attitude is light years improvement from where I’ve come from on this past ride around the sun, and what a year it has been. This city chose me thankfully and didn’t spit me back out, yet. I’ve been here for close to a year, it’s mindful to think about what can and cannot happen in a year. What you can accomplish; what you can leave. Where you’re stuck or where you’re wasting your time, or better yet, growing.
You get 52 weekends. 110 free evenings to pick and choose as you please. A handful of weekday excursions or yoga classes and how many grocery store runs? How many bonfires? Stolen Glances? Surprise sunrise relationships… Which lead to how many interactions? Countless. Thousands. Millions of ripples exhaling sometimes all at once around you. 365 nights to dream. Three hundred and something showers. So many plane rides, some of us more than the others. Never enough kisses, universally. But enough to get by. For now.
Ahhh, the power of love.
It’s true, I have fallen in love with life again, with myself and maybe a few other souls, too. And just as much as I’ve loved I’ve lost. They go hand in hand. I’ve also been too hard on myself. Judging. Cringing. Overlooking. I’ve been uninhibited, for better or worse. Letting it all hang out. And I’ve been shut down. Deeply sad and unhinged at times. While, I am fullfilled in my heart, I’ve never been fulfilled to the brink of complete comfort. On the brink of utter extinction. My life is a paycheck or accident away from righteous ruin. Seconds away from accidents on highways of life paved with good intentions and bad decisions. Every choice I’ve made came with a consequence. Now I’m just enjoying the ride. It’s too late to change trajectories without great disturbance. Don’t risk derailment. And I’ve started to rather enjoy this rhythm, despite how far up and down it can go. You can’t feel it all without choosing it all, and I chose to feel everything. My path has been a rough ride, though not nearly as tough as many others. I asked for this. I fought for it. And now it is my truth. Undeniable. Sometimes unreliable. Sometimes criable. I have been blessed with truth.
Still, the glass is half full, or half empty depending on the day. I’m half full and half empty, on the regular. Most days it’s a lot of both. So much gladness and so much pain all the the same time, it’s hard to refrain from being angry, or depressed and having the best night of your life at the same time. Take another shot of medicine and hope for the best. Dance. Think about Trying to clean up our mess. Make something into a better place, even if it’s just our minds, temporarily. I surrender.
As I come more and more into orbit with my own essence and flavor, it becomes apparent that while I can see my own gifts and strengths loud and clear, I cannot exactly define them, or explain them with any sense of logic or reasonable defense. It a true phenomena. The unexplainable things I have seen. My faith is blind. And yet I see this path so clearly; I must blaze on, this mission or calling or whatever the fuck this mission is that haunts me at night. My eyes are open. My heart Is open. I would never wish to unsee, no matter how grotesque or surreal.
To be truly elated to be alive and to have had another year gone by with some obvious perspective shifts, and at the same time to be so alone is one of the hardest juxtapositions to face, and yet it builds strength. Character is told over time and time will read true on your face, dimples and pock marks in all.
While my scars define me… For the first time in 8 years probably I feel like I am moving back into alignment with my true being. This time, I’m going to try and own it. Not fuck it up. And not care what anyone else thinks. Especially not give my power and attention away to anyone who isn’t reciprocating in a healthy way.
I do want to always be sure to give thanks to my guides and teachers of wisdom, who have led me by the hand oh so bravely into the darkness in order to spread light.
Ok that note, If YOU ever need to someone to guide the way for you, be it through emotional or physical or spiritual journeying, may I be so honored to pay that light forward.
Sometimes, in order to answer your own question, all you need to do is ask.